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Too many men are getting something wrong when they go down on a woman (aka cunnilingus). And it's all because of the clitoris. Yes, we all know that the clit is a particularly sensitive part of a woman's vagina. Yes, women want you to pay attention to it. But for fuck's sake, don't ONLY focus on the clitoris. I've heard of a handful of men following the same recipe. Tell me if it sounds familiar: You go down. You maybe tease around it a bit in the beginning, but then you find a comfy spot, get your lips locked around the clit, and you sit there, sucking. At some point, you start thrusting your fingers inside her, and that's where you stay until she comes. How long does it take her to come? Some women faster than others, I imagine. But seeing ladies have had several guys follow the same recipe, it's becoming boring. Predictable. Utterly lifeless. Men, can you please, god, ravish her pussy ? Pay attention to her entire  pussy?  Think of it this way. The head of your penis is particularly sensitive. Does that mean you only want a woman to pay attention to the tip? Fuck no! That would be super intense and yes, you would come, but it'd feel... not enough , right? Because you want the fullness of your erection to feel EVERYTHING!  It's the same for women! Don't just settle on the clit like this is some kind of production line. Like you're just trying to get her orgasm out of the way as fast as possible so you can feel like your work is done (which I'm so sad to say I think is often the case). She wants your mouth all over her ! She wants your tongue INSIDE her! She wants you licking and tasting and exploring and spreading and feasting on every part of her. She wants you making out with her pussy the way you make out with her mouth. She wants to feel the passion of your breath, of your slow and ravishing exploration of her lips. She wants you to love making out with her down there, in every edge, every corner that turns you on to taste and feel. Of course, the clit should get attention. Of course, penetration should grow and progress into a crescendo of orgasmic ecstasy. But for fuck's sake, make out with her whole pussy, not just a fraction of it. UPDATE: I wrote this blog post in a fit of rage. After reflecting on it a lot, I want to clarify something: it isn't about what you do; it's how you do it . I was frustrated because I, and other people I know, are fed up with method-based sexuality rather than presence-based sexuality. I see now that this post only emphasizes the method rather than presence. So, I'd like to add this important final note: It doesn't matter what you do! It only matters that you're present in the moment rather than following some kind of mental checklist. She might like it my way, and she may even prefer the method I mentioned before. What you do isn't the point. The point is you need to pay attention and follow the moment.

Some of my most profound personal growth has come from self-pleasure. Hear me out. We all have our varying degrees of mental crap we carry around with us, right? Part of mine is a mish-mash of guilt for not giving enough to others, guilt for being 'selfish' (more on that another day), and the constant shrinking to pretend like I'm 'normal' or less of an abomination to the world. And this mess utterly fucked (not in a good way) my ability to experience pleasure - both in the bedroom and in my life. Fortunately, self-pleasure can be a psychological shortcut to breaking down those mental barriers for good. What happens sexually when you shrink Your libido is often connected to your sense of safety in the world. The safer you feel in your body, in yourself, the more turned on you're likely to be in general. In contrast, when you shrink and cave in on yourself to hide yourself from the world, your libido is less likely to be its full-bellied, delirious self. This can play a role in all kinds of crap, like obvious struggles in the bedroom with partners, sexual health issues, and probably the most obvious but most painful of all: a numbness to and difficulty experiencing pleasure in life. Sex is never just sex. Good sex isn't just about orgasms in the bedroom (or on the kitchen counter). It's about feeling good in your body any time of day. It's about loving the way your breath feels. It's about your ability to experience joy. To feel alive. To feel good about being alive. And this - THIS - is why self-pleasure is such a tremendous tool for your overall well-being. Because when you practice self-pleasure, you show your body how worthy it is of feeling good. You shatter through the grip suffocating your joy and show your body what life can be. What is conscious self-pleasure? When you masturbate, something happens in the depths of your psyche. Whether you realise it or not, you're communicating with your body. You're letting it know what it deserves and how it should be treated. And it goes both ways! Did you know that your body is constantly communicating with you? Most us have forgotten how to listen to our bodies, thanks to the constant drumming on from the world that we need to think . We're repeatedly told not to feel and to make every decision with our brains. This sounds super clever until you've built a life that makes sense on paper, but feels like shit. You've done all the things, achieved all the stuff, but you can't understand why you're depressed. Sound familiar? The truth is, if you pay attention to how different things actually feel (as opposed to how you think they should feel), you start to notice that your body is responding to you in every moment. Conscious self-pleasure is slowing all the way down when you masturbate, so you notice how your body is responding, and give it what it truly wants. When you use your touch to communicate to your body that it is loved, appreciated, heard, and respected, something within your cells cracks open to life. How your body speaks to you It makes me so sad that so many of us have lost touch with what actually feels good and what doesn't. I did. At the end of my marriage, I 'woke up,' realising I didn't know what I liked and what I didn't. My house didn't feel like mine. None of my furniture felt like 'me.' I didn't know what music I liked. I was so far removed from what brought me pleasure that it was like I had to learn who I was all over again - I simply had no idea anymore. Expansion and contraction Paying attention to my body helped me figure out what I really want in life (it still does). And it all comes down to expansion and contraction. Expansion = nice Contraction = not nice Have you ever felt your heart expand in your chest or feel like it's being crushed? That's expansion and contraction. Now, apply the same concept to the muscles in your jaw, your shoulders... And your private parts. The more you can slow down and feel , the more refined you can get. The smaller the muscle you can pinpoint. For example, when a woman really slows down with her practice, she may notice a specific spot on her vulva that contracts when touched while another spot expands. Listen to this. Follow this. How to practice conscious self-pleasure Conscious self-pleasure isn't about orgasms. Well, it is, and it isn't. More specifically, it's about pleasure. Orgasm is one big subcategory of pleasure, but it isn't IT. The richness of pleasure is much broader, and while you definitely want orgasms on the menu, focusing only on orgasm limits your potential. For example, when I started addressing my relationship with my sexuality, I had to slow all the way down . My yoni was completely closed for action. In fact, if I forced an orgasm out of her when she was contracting (because it happens all. the. time. when you're not listening to your body ) , she shut down even further. My libido was not available for play dates. She did not want to be forced into GIVING pleasure (or, more accurately, having pleasure taken from her against her will); she wanted to submit to RECEIVING it. And that's a completely different energetic experience. Where to start Feel it out. As much as you may want the orgasm, your body may not be ready for actual masturbation. Start simple. Loosen up the rest of your body first with things like: Long, candle-lit baths I know, I know... It's cliche, but it's true. Many weekends, I'd spend hours in the bath, with candles burning and music playing. If you've got a busy mind, slowing down to enjoy a long bath can be almost as difficult as meditation. That's okay. If it's not for you, try something else. Sensual touch Slow down and stroke your body - everywhere. The kind of soft caresses you'd get from a lover. But don't imagine a lover doing it - this is disconnecting from your body. BECOME the lover. BE the lover your body deserves. This became one of my most surprising experiences because I had no idea how sexually responsive certain parts of my body were, like my neck, my head, and the space on my ribcage between my breasts. Even my hands and arms. Notice what feels good and give it to yourself. Body massages Coconut oil is my go-to massage oil because you can use it inside and outside. ;) Plus, it's easy to buy from the store. I like to use it all the way from my neck, across my breasts, chest, and down to my thighs. Some will massage up to their heads. Follow what feels good. Energetically, if you want to get into the tantra-ness of it, massaging from your forehead to your private parts connects all your chakras in your pleasure practice, which can enhance your potential for full-body orgasms. ;) Plus, I like to think the oil makes your body more conductive - which is good for all the juicy energies you want moving around your body. Getting deeper The following practice is for women, because I'm a woman, and this post is about self-pleasure. But the approach will be similar for men, too, I imagine. Simply put: feel it out. For ladies with va-jay-jays, when you get to the point where touching your yoni is feeling like expansion, start exploring, slowly, layer by layer. If you feel a 'contraction' in your body at any stage, always stop doing what you're doing and go back to the last thing that felt like expansion. Again, this isn't about the orgasm - yet. It's about becoming conscious of what feels good. Yoni massage I know it may sound obvious or basic, but when you're exploring your vagina, start just with the outside. Massage your labia (preferably with your coconut oil, because it's wonderful), and experience it ). Stop rushing the orgasm. Sink into the basics of pleasure, the simplicity of it, the innocence of it. ONLY progress to the next level when you feel the pull from your body to go deeper. The stages that I progress through go like this: Outer lips Inner lips and clit The entrance to the vagina The G-spot The cervix In the beginning, all she (my vagina) wanted was a massage of the outer lips - she didn't even want me to touch my clitoris. And even so, I still had my orgasms. They were such 'innocent' orgasms - I don't know how else to explain it. I felt such pleasure just from external touch. When you're following your body's lead, even if it doesn't look the way you think it should look, it feels good on a cellular level. And that's the whole point, right? Feeling good? Getting tremendous joy even from the simplest of pleasures? Becoming so sensitive and aware of every touch that you come even without penetration? I mean...this! It was through this process of gradual progression with my pleasure that I came to appreciate the innocent and natural experience that our sexuality truly is. It isn't about the cum shots or the BDSM (though those can have their rightful place in your well-being, too); it's about learning how to  feel . Am I doing this right? It will take practice to feel the difference between when your body starts to call you to make the next move and when your mind is doing it, but keep testing it out. The better you get at listening to your body's desires and responding to them, the more expansive each layer of pleasure will feel. Trussstt meeeee. Sometimes your mind wins, and you force the orgasm despite feeling a contraction. That's okay. Your body will forgive you. You can try again next time. Your body is resilient and wired for pleasure - you will get there. :) Why am I crying? Sometimes you'll be overwhelmed by emotion after an orgasm. There are several reasons you might experience this. You're releasing trapped emotions. Your body clings to stuff out of fear. Orgasm is a release. Sometimes the emotions release, too. Let the emotion flow, and let it go. You forced an orgasm when you were contracting. These don't feel as good because your body wasn't there with your mind. Same thing, though. Let the emotion flow, and let it go. You're in awe of the pleasure you've been holding yourself back from. This one's the most beautiful. Sometimes you'll be so moved by your pleasure that you can't help but sob. For me, I couldn't believe I'd been holding my body captive the way I had, when all she wanted, all she deserved, was this... life-altering beauty. It's like an awakening, and I pray you can have something like it too, because what comes AFTER - when you let yourself have all the pleasure you want - is pure, undulating ecstasy. Now, go have fun Masturbation is a strange thing to consider when talking about personal growth, but it's real, and it can be truly incredible. When you learn how to hear and respond to what feels good in your body, you don't just get better at orgasms. You lay the foundations for making more joyful decisions in your life. You get better at saying no to things that feel like shit. You get better at choosing a life of pleasure rather than settling for the crap your brain thinks you should settle for. You start building a life that feels orgasmic. Happy playing. xx

Most of the sex I've had has been utterly insufficient. Most of it was all about getting to the orgasm. Taking the orgasm. As if the shortest, fastest route to somewhere is always the best. And what a shallow way to have sex that is. When you don't savour every sensation. When you don't mellow in the place where hunger and satisfaction intermingle. You miss all the ways those nooks and crannies open. There are ripples of pleasure inside a woman. Even women themselves don't seem to realise the depth of it. Tightly bound ripples of nerves in all the depths of her vagina that do not open without...stillness. Presence. There are levels of pleasure she will simply never reach with a goal-oriented approach to sex. It always baffles me how rushed some men are. How uncomfortable they are with their hunger. How much they miss that the hunger is such a magnificent part of it. It's always like they want to be rid of it. Like the orgasm will relieve them of the discomfort of the hunger. But why? Isn't the hunger the turn on? Isn't the tension what makes us feel alive? Why are we so desperate to douse that fire with a quick orgasm? Why in God's name are we not burning in it?